Stuff Your Dad Likes: Power Ballads

Jacob Zinn can’t give you fatherly advice, but he can eat your girlfriend’s Valentine’s Day candy.

You know it’s coming up soon. That one day per year when you’re either in love and affectionate or you’re lonely and miserable: Valentine’s Day.

With February the 14th approaching, couples young and old are giving each other flowers, planning romantic evenings and buying lubricant by the bottle. While you might be courting someone with chocolate and roses, your dad may’ve courted your mom with power ballads.

Extreme’s “More Than Words”. Mötley Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home”. Cinderella’s “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”. The sole purpose of these songs was to get into women’s pants. Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” may be the sappiest, most cliché power ballad of the era, but it opened a lot of… opportunities.

There’s a good chance you might have been conceived to one of these songs.

However, odds are your dad had better taste in power ballads than the hair metal ones. Aerosmith’s “What It Takes” or “Angel” might’ve been rotating on his record player.

Or maybe he was more upfront with sexually explicit and implicit songs like Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” or AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Perhaps he traded Warrant’s “Heaven” for a slice of that sweet “Cherry Pie”. (Oh yeah!)

Either way, power ballads got him laid. He may not like power ballads, but the down-tempo, three-chord, lyricized high school love notes were saturated with just enough passion to bring star-crossed lovers together. And if your parents got married in the late ‘80s, you can bet someone requested “I’ll Be There for You” by Bon Jovi at their wedding.

Now that power ballads are often only played as joke songs at weddings and karaoke nights, they’re no longer the genre of choice for bedding mates.

But your dad doesn’t know that. If he digs out his crate of vinyl records from the basement, it might be to set the tone of the evening.

Whether or not you have a date on Valentine’s Day, I highly suggest that you make plans to go out and stay out past curfew until you’re certain both of your parents are asleep. You’ll thank me later.

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Top 5 Cock Rock Frontmen

It was the early ’70s. The hippie counter-culture was on its way out and all that was left to do was popularize cock rock for the next several decades.

The name of the genre refers to the bulge in the tight pants of rockstars–a bulge responsible for the bedding of plethoras of groupies. A prominent resurgence three decades ago saw peace, love and music make way for sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll; women walked this way for Steven Tyler and teachers were hot for David Lee Roth.

Related Articles Top 5 Songs about Ramblin’ Top 5 Classic Rock Songs about School

While cock rock climaxed in the ’80s, this list looks at the forefathers of the genre, the ground-breaking lyricists who made in-your-face, pelvis-thrusting crotch shots not only mainstream, but the norm.

5. Paul Stanley of KISS

Stanley can be credited with bringing cock rock moves to the oversexed genres of glam rock and hair metal. KISS had always worn tight leather pants, but as the frontman, Stanley was the only member to use it to his advantage. Gene Simmons might’ve had the tongue, but Stanley had the balls… to flash his cod-pieced Love Gun to the crowd.

4. Roger Daltry of The Who

There perhaps is no better a display of cock rock than The Who’s 4:00 a.m. performance from Woodstock ’69. Daltry shakes his wild locks during parts of “My Generation” and “Pinball Wizard”, with low angles complementing his protrusion. Whether it’s real or not, groupies of the time might or might not say they won’t get fooled again.

3. Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones

Arguably the first to introduce the moves, Jagger is a prominent sex symbol of the time, known for shuffling his hips during songs like “Honky Tonk Woman”. With allegedly countless love-children, Jagger proved that these moves work, creating a legion of followers who want the same pants as those on the cover of Sticky Fingers.

2. Jim Morrison of The Doors

The Doors’ music may not have been as sexual as their peers, but Morrison’s onstage performances left little to the imagination of fire-lighting gypsies. While Morrison wasn’t as controversial as Oliver Stone made him out to be in the 1991 biopic, The Doors, he was certainly one of the earliest rockers to use the moves, which surely got him more than a few L.A. women.

1. Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin

Anyone who’s seen the 1976 concert film The Song Remains the Same has witnessed one of the originators in all his long-haired, bare-chested, blue-denim bell-bottom jeaned glory. Plant made every woman in Madison Square Garden sweat and groove with the sway of his hips, putting them in a hypnotic trance. His two-sizes-too-small britches that emphasized his trouser snake made him an icon for cock rock, one that both men and women looked up to (figuratively and literally).

Honourable Mentions

• Steven Tyler of Aerosmith
• David Lee Roth of Van Halen
• Vince Neil of Mötley Crüe
• Bret Michaels of Poison
• Sebastian Bach of Skid Row

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Top 5 Deathproof Rockstars

Recently, I posted about the 27 Club, an unusual coincidence in which numerous rockstars have died at the age of 27. While the life of the musician can end suddenly, there are a handful of talents who lived fast and aren’t dead yet. They’ve survived and endured sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, among other things, and have the scars to prove it.

5. Travis Barker of blink-182

The only rockstar on this list who didn’t nearly die of drugs or alcohol, Travis Barker is the rambunctious drummer of pop-punk trio, blink-182.

In September 2008, DJ AM boarded a private jet following a concert in South Carolina. During takeoff, sparks flew from the plane and it skidded off the runway into an embankment, catching fire. The crash killed the pilot and co-pilot, as well as Barker’s manager and bodyguard; only Barker and DJ AM survived. (Eleven months later, DJ AM died of an accidental drug overdose, possibly a suicide from survivor’s guilt.)

Barker spent two months rehabbing in a burn ward from second and third-degree burns to his torso. He was released and returned to his fast-paced drumming style in the studio and on tour.

4. Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe

Nikki Sixx is arguably in the lead for most out-of-body experiences. He died not once, but twice, and lived to write about it.

In his 2007 book, The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star, Sixx detailed both times that he had died of heroin overdoses. The first was on Valentine’s Day 1986. Mötley Crüe was touring London, England and Sixx overdosed at a drug dealer’s house. The dealer tried to wake Sixx up by beating him with a bat, and when that didn’t work, he carried Sixx out and threw him into a dumpster.

Apparently, the paramedic took one look at me and said, ‘No one’s gonna die in my ambulance.’ Nikki Sixx The Heroin Diaries (2007)

He came to, but obviously didn’t learn his lesson. In December 1987, while doing drugs with Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash, Sixx overdosed again. He was declared dead for two minutes, but legend has it that one of the paramedics was a Crüe fan.

The medic revived Sixx with two shots of adrenaline to the heart (which inspired the song, “Kickstart My Heart”). Since then, Sixx has cleaned up his act. (Well, backstage, but not onstage.)

3. Lemmy Kilmister of Motörhead

Legendary Motörhead frontman Lemmy Kilmister is known for having drug problems with amphetamines, LSD and speed. (Motorhead is, after all, another term for someone who does a lot of speed.)

But while he isn’t known to use drugs (as much) now, he’s always been a chain-smoking, hard-drinking son of a bitch. The BBC documentary Live Fast Die Old revealed that Lemmy drinks a 25 oz. bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 whiskey on a daily basis, and has for the last 30 years.

Alcoholic? Yes, but anyone who can hold that much liquor for three decades must have some insane genetic makeup. Lemmy easily could’ve overdosed and died in the ’70s or ’80s, yet he’s the only founding member still in the band and he’s still alive and kicking.

2. Ozzy Osbourne of Black Sabbath

Ozzy Osbourne has a reputation for being wild, and 40 years of drug abuse certainly didn’t help to disprove such assumptions.

When Ozzy was kicked out of Black Sabbath in 1979, he reportedly spent days on end in hotel rooms with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. Ozzy credits his wife, Sharon, for saving him from these drug dens when she offered to manage his solo career.

Like Sixx, Ozzy has died twice, but (ironically) not from any overdose. In 2004, Ozzy got into a serious ATV accident at his home that fractured eight of his ribs and one vertebra. He was in a coma for eight days and apparently flatlined twice. Now, like drugs and alcohol, Ozzy won’t touch ATVs ever again.

1. Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones

If there ever was a matchmaker that first paired drug use with rock ‘n’ roll, it would be Keith Richards. In his 2010 memoir, Life, Richards noted that he did heroin until 1979 and cocaine until 2006.

He’s abused every narcotic in the dealer’s stash. He’s drank more liquor than water. He smoked cigarettes since he was 12. There’s even an urban legend (since proven false) that Richards had a blood transfusion to get over drug addiction.

But at what point does the truth come out of the folklore? How about when scientists and doctors start asking for your body when you die so they can study your immune system?

That’s right, Richards is set to donate his body to science when he passes–which, based on scientific research, was supposed to be in 1996. Eventually, newspapers worldwide will be able to run this obituary, but for now, I’m sure Vegas is taking bets.

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Top 7 Best Fests

To go with the recent Woodstock ’99 post, here are my Top 7 Best Fests. Yeah, number one is cliché, but who’s going to argue with me about it? (Sorry Lollapalooza and South by Southwest, you just weren’t as awesome.)

Top 7 Best Fests

7. Toronto Rocks – July 30, 2003
The Line-Up: The Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Rush, The Guess Who
The Reason: Sometimes referred to as “SARSstock” or “SARSapalooza,” this one-day show featured a lot of great rock acts coming to Canada to help revive tourism after the Toronto SARS scare. At the time, AC/DC and The Rolling Stones were touring Europe together, but this was their only Canadian show. It set a record for the largest ticketed single day event in history with an audience of 490,000 fans. Plus, it’s the Stones.

6. Rock in Rio – January 11-20, 1985
The Line-Up: Queen, AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne, Scorpions, Whitesnake
The Reason: Over the course of the 10-day festival, an estimated 1.4 million attended some of the heaviest metal on earth. Iron Maiden had just released Powerslave, Ozzy Osbourne was “going off the rails on Crazy Train” and Freddie Mercury was still the best frontman alive. Add AC/DC, Scorpions, an ’80s one hit wonder and 58,000 McDonalds hamburgers and you’ve got the best Rock in Rio to date. It’s hard to top the original.

5. Rock am Ring & Rock Im Park – June 6-8, 2008
The Line-Up: Metallica, Motörhead, The Offspring, Rage Against The Machine, Kid Rock, HIM
The Reason: Germans are known for their love of hard rock, and for many years, the Rock Am Ring and Rock Im Park festivals has a killer bill. They are two annual simultaneous shows featuring rock, metal and punk music on both stages. In other years, bands such as Iron Maiden, Linkin Park and 3 Doors Down have performed–always an amazing show.

4. Download ’07 – June 8-10 ’07
The Line-Up: Iron Maiden, Linkin Park, Mötley Crüe, Megadeth, Velvet Revolver, Korn, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Dream Theater, Evanescence
The Reason: Three days, three stages and about three-dozen bands playing each day. Like Rock Am Ring & Rock Im Park, the Download Festival always a big line-up and a huge crowd with something for every rock fan to enjoy.

3. Donington ’91 – August 17, 1991
The Line-Up: AC/DC, Metallica, Mötley Crüe, Queensrÿche, The Black Crowes
The Reason: AC/DC’s performance was recorded and released on DVD and Blu-Ray, and the music was put on the AC/DC Live, which later influenced the AC/DC Live: Rock Band video game. The 18-song set featured Angus Young in his schoolboy outfit, a giant inflatable Rosie and a row of cannons across the stage for the encore. With Metallica and Crüe as warm-up acts, AC/DC’s got them by the balls.

2. Woodstock ’99 – July 23-25, 1999
The Line-Up: Metallica, Megadeth, The Offspring, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rage Against The Machine, Our Lady Peace, Limp Bizkit, Creed
The Reason: Yes, the end of Woodstock ’99 was not pretty, but the performers were outstanding. To have so many groups on the same bill perform before a few hundred-thousand youth happens once in a lifetime. It was more commercial than peaceful, but that’s how the world was 30 years later.

1. Woodstock ’69 – August 15-18, 1969
The Line-Up: Jimi Hendrix, The Who, The Grateful Dead, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Sly & The Family Stone, Santana, Janis Joplin, Mountain, Jefferson Airplane
The Reason: Roughly 200,000 hippies went to a dairy farm in rural New York to see some of the best rock n’ roll before the ’60s ended; that sounds like a party to me. One $18 ticket got you four days of Hendrix, Joplin, CCR, The Who and 28 other bands, performing at all hours of the day and night for the flower power generation. Peace, free love and LSD were had by all.

Lots of dots and umlauts

In heavy metal, it’s not uncommon to find bands with dots over their vowels to jazz up metal up their name. These are metal umlauts, though only a handful of bands can really make it witht them. There are dozens of bands with umlauts, but there are only four worth mentioning here in yet another unneeded hard rock segment on this site.

Blue Öyster Cult

Best known for songs like “Godzilla,” “Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll” and “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper,” Blue Öyster Cult are credited with being the first to have an umlaut in their name. It was either suggested by former member Allen Lanier or music critic Richard Meltzer.

They’ve also grown in pop culture, having those three aforementioned tracks in Rock Band and Guitar Hero games.

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” also reached a new audience in a Saturday Night Live skit starring Christopher Walken as record producer Bruce Dickinson (not as Iron Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson) and Will Ferrell as fictional B.Ö.C. member Gene Frenkle. In a spoof of VH1’s Behind the Music series, the band is in the studio recording “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” with Frenkle on the cowbell. They stop playing midway as his cowbell-playing proves distracting to the other members of the band, but Dickinson walks in, saying he has a fever and that the only prescription is more cowbell.

Motörhead

Though casual listeners won’t know much beyond “Ace of Spades”, Motörhead were part of the new wave of British heavy metal in the mid-‘70s. Their loud guitar riffs and lead singer Lemmy Kilmister’s distinct voice give them a raw, edgier sound than most acts.

When asked about the umlaut over the second “o”, Kilmister has been quoted as saying, “I only put it in there to look mean.”

More recently, they’ve appeared as a group in Guitar Hero: World Tour (with Lemmy appearing on his own in Guitar Hero: Metallica), and for the last few years, they’ve provided the entrance music for professional wrestler Triple H, who is a big fan of the group.

Mötley Crüe

Made up of lead singer Vince Neil and his “buddies [Nikki] Sixx, Mick [Mars] and Tom[my Lee],” the Crüe are the most famous rock group with the double umlaut. Why two umlauts? The story goes something like this: Mars was in a group called White Horse, a bandmate said they were, “a motley looking crew.” Mars remembered this when forming Mötley Crüe and wrote it as “Motley Cru-.” It was supposedly changed to add the umlauts when the band was drinking Löwenbräu.

Mötley Crüe are best known for way too many things. Wikipedia them if you must.

Spın̈al Tap

Okay, they’re not really a heavy metal group–they’re a parody of heavy metal acts from their 1984 rock mockumentary, This is Spinal Tap. But they do have a discography of 15 studio albums (12 of which are fictional).

Being a spoof group, the Tap put their umlaut over a consonant instead of a vowel, putting two dots over the “n.” They also removed the dot from the “i,” just for kicks.

Like the other three groups, they’ve had a song on a Guitar Hero game (Mötley Crüe had “Shout at the Devil” as the first song on Guitar Hero II). “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight” is an encore track on Guitar Hero II.

They’re likely the only group on this list that’s been featured on The Simpsons. At the end of the month, they play the O2 Arena in London for a “one night only world tour.”

Top 5 Classic Rock Songs about School

Summer’s approaching, and so is the end of the school year for many kids and teens worldwide. For as long as hard rock has been around, rockstars have written songs about school which their young fans can relate to.

Here comes another top five.

Top 5 Classic Rock Songs about School

5. “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” by The Ramones (1979)
Those trouble-making Ramones–they just wanna have some kicks and they just wanna get some chicks. But they don’t mind irritating the teachers and the principal along the way, as noted in the film of the same name. Let them have their fun.

4. “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” by Mötley Crüe (1985)
Originally by Brownsville Station, “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” is about the rebellious teenage youth who just don’t like sitting through class. In the cheesey video, a student with an attitude hangs out with the Crüe in the boys room after a trip to the principals office. When the principal returns with an apology and an A on his paper, he still sticks it to the man.

3. “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen (1984)
The video features David Lee Roth behind the wheel of the schoolbus, driving an apprehensive Waldo do his first day of school. He and his classmates–which include Eddie and Alex Van Halen with Michael Anthony and Roth–soon find out that their teacher is a bikini-clad pageant winner who table dances on the desks. If only everyone who ever crushed on their teacher could relate.

2. “Another Brick in the Wall (Part II)” by Pink Floyd (1979)
Perhaps the most well-known of the three parts, “Another Brick in the Wall (Part II)” contains the cryptic lyrics, “We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control,” sung by Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour and repeated by a school choir. The album version starts with a trademark scream from bassist Roger Waters before the boarding school protest anthem begins. It’s eerie from start to finish.

1. “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper (1972)
If you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t heard enough anti-school rock songs. “School’s Out” was the anthem of that years graduating class and ones to come. The bell has rung–class dismissed!